


A Man In The Wilderness

by 1f_this_be_madness



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, Season 7 Spoilers, Season 8 Spoilers, Self-Reflection, after the events up to and including Season 8 of Supernatural, comments on Purgatory from Dean's POV, reflecting on life throughout the series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-05
Updated: 2016-07-05
Packaged: 2018-07-21 16:34:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7395136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1f_this_be_madness/pseuds/1f_this_be_madness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean Winchester has seen and done a hell of a lot in his life as a hunter. He is not typically given to self-reflection, but Purgatory changes his mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Man In The Wilderness

**Author's Note:**

> This little piece was written after I caught the last episode of Season 7 and first episode of Season 8 on TNT a few weeks ago. 
> 
> Quoted at the beginning are some lines from the glorious Styx song entitled "Man in the Wilderness", where this story gets its name. The song is also played at the beginning of S08E1. 
> 
> Thank you writers for the inclusion of this song and for the creation of these characters that I cannot get out of my head, no matter how hard I try.

"Another year has passed me by  
Still I look at myself and cry,  
What kind of man have I become?  
All of the years I've spent in search of myself  
And I'm still in the dark  
'Cause I can't seem to find the light alone--

Sometimes I feel  
Like a man in the wilderness  
I'm a lonely soldier off to war  
Sent away to die,  
Never quite knowing why . . .  
Sometimes it makes no sense at all-- Makes no sense at all!

[. . .] I spend my life and sell my soul on the road  
But I'm still in the dark  
'Cause I can't seem to find the light alone . . .

Sometimes I feel  
Like a man in the wilderness!"

A year passed in Purgatory with pure hunting: monsters on every side. If I was searching for something I found it there--it was dangerous, dark, and primal, but it was real and true and I learned the measure of people. I learned the nature of friendship; I had a friend who'd kill for me--Benny--and one who would die for me--Castiel. And it was there that I was a guy always in the wilderness, a soldier in a never-ending war. I never knew why I'd been sent there after the exploding of Dick . . . to die?

It makes no sense at all, unless maybe I was supposed to repent like Cas decided to do. But if that was true, how did Benny find me? Why would he choose to help me leave if I deserved to stay? (I realize it's because I was his only ticket out but I'm rationalizing. Let me rationalize, dammit!)

But, more importantly, why would it be meant for him to come up only to go back down again? Why did I have to kill him for a Trial that didn't even get us to the end because Sam wouldn't finish what he started?! I could--I DID! But Sammy has always been more heart than head. I tried to do what had to be done. To make the hard decision, to take care of him. But sometimes I can't DO that, for whatever reason . . . and then my baby brother nearly winds up dead. 

And the best friend I have gets hoodwinked into giving up his Grace and causing a lot of angels to fall.

And with all that's happened since then and up til now, I wish I'd stayed there. In Purgatory with Benny and Cas--Sammy could've kept his life on Earth; no demons, no ghosts, no Leviathan, no shifters . . . nothin' but apple-pie bliss. And I could keep hunting, the way it was always meant to be. No undue thought or sentiment, just me and every damned monster out from under the bed.

Fighting forever.


End file.
